Thank you so much for publishing this! It's so timely and necessary.
I really empathize with you through people telling you, "That's still your dad" and your mom encouraging you to have a relationship with him even though he abused her AND you.
Unfortunately, the aunties are obsessed with "tearing down Black men" who deserve it! There are so many Black actors that are not abusers! Keke, I'm disappointed, but not more than I'm disappointed in Hollyweird as a whole.
This feels like reading a story about my mother, down to the Tupac, Mary J. Blige, and constantly rewatching "What's Love Got To Do With It." This has very much so been a triggering few years for survivors when it comes to media representation of abuse and absolution instead of healing restorative justice. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for putting into words the cognitive dissonance that occurs every time we're forced to view these Abuser Redemption Arcs. And the weaponization of our communities' forgiveness and honestly, hesitancy to unclench from the Talented Tenth methodology. Our victims deserve much more than regurgitated platitudes and guilt-ridden admonishments which are often at the expense of their own arrested development. Thank you for sharing💜
"Why, then, do we believe it’s fair for a person who abused someone to only temporarily live with the consequences of their actions while the people who have been traumatized by them are living with the effects of it forever?"
Because, like many societies around the world, ours was built by and for the benefit of the abusers themselves, who have constructed an elaborate cultural framework to absolve the abusers of responsibility.
I wrote about this (drawing on my experience as a clinical psychologist) a few years ago:
"In all its forms, abuse is a mechanism of dominance, directed at someone deemed vulnerable, and repeated to maintain the vulnerability, and through that, the submission of the abused to the abuser...
Among the most common, if confusing and heartbreaking, aspects of the dynamics of abuse, is the culture of silence that surrounds it (within families, communities, congregations, institutions)...
Another perplexing phenomenon we observe is of the abused defending the abuser, or alternatively, those around the abuser jumping to their defense, at the expense of those being abused...
It’s not a new observation to say that American culture, American society, doesn’t simply tolerate violence, it celebrates it...
When it comes to interpersonal violence, the narratives of justification beget the perpetuation of violence...
The generalized statement ‘American culture’, when referring to the culture of violence, diffuses and obscures the reality that it is a contingent of subcultures that embraces interpersonal violence as a virtue...
These subcultures, not coincidentally, are the same ones that minimize the severity of domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, hate crimes against LGBTQ individuals, or the terrorizing of African-Americans by law enforcement— the subcultures that are contained with the rubric of political conservatism..."
from:
'Defending abusers, rather than the abused, and the perpetuation of violence in our society.' (Jan. 25, 2021)
Thank you so much for sharing this! As a clinical psychologist, you’re much more qualified to speak on some of these patterns. I think colonization and patriarchy as a whole have perpetuated some of these behaviors. I have noticed these same patterns in patriarchal and/or colonized cultures across the world. It is definitely not an American-specific thing, but of course, I can only speak on my own experience within my culture. Appreciate you reading and thoughtfully engaging, Ian.
Your clarity of thought and understanding of the construction of abuse and those around the abuser is vitally important. It’s so freaking frustrating seeing men get a free pass enabled by sycophants around them.
Your voice is powerful and true. The exploration of systemic racism underlying these behaviors shines a light into their origins- a necessary component toward full understanding of the problem.
You and other women of color are some of the strongest badasses on Substack. I learn from you and admire you.
In my personal life, I have come up against people who decided to remain neutral when I named my abuser. They were not willing to protect me or others who might be targets. Your story made me think about all the ways victims are failed by the people around them. It made me think about how justified I am to feel disappointed in them. It also made me think about something I’ve been grappling with when it comes to entertainment. I’ve willingly chosen to avoid listening to music by artists who were revealed to be abusers. Yet, when I think about shows that impacted me as a young viewer, only later to learn that the creator of the show was an abuser and predatory. I don’t watch the show or seek it out, but I still have strong associations with the impact of the show on my worldview. I’ve written about the show in my writing applications and wondered if it was wrong to do so. What I think I would do differently, is address the impact of the show AND demand that access should be given to people who aren’t rumored to be harmful. Moreover, to state my commitment to working with others who are not harmful. Like you write, there are plenty of talented people who aren’t harmful that could and should be given opportunities. There is a long-standing history of protecting people simply because they are already successful. What does it say about our society if we’re always giving free passes to abusers and lack accountability? We already have the answer.
I love your inclusion of transformative justice because so often in conversations about gender violence, carceral feminism rears its ugly head. The nuance you use when talking about Keke Palmer's episode with Majors was also refreshing.
So glad to read your in depth thinking about Majors, and cycles of abuse in intimate and familial relationships. I’d been cringing at headlines and references to the “redemption tour” and wondering what actual impact it could have towards healing for any of us, those involved, fans, or silent onlookers.
This is absolutely a sharp, on-point essay. You know you're sitting in front of a fierce piece of writing when you start to copy a passage to share but then you just keep reading and finding more and more and more and more of them. Thank you for this, Lachelle.
And, you know, I'm here in New York City, watching the nightmare I predicted--former governor Andrew Cuomo coming out of his shame hidey-hole to loom over the race for our mayor because he has the superior name recognition and fundraising chops. Horrifying.
Thank you for this think post (not think piece). And, with regard to this: All of this breeds cultural thought patterns that deem any punishment the oft-persecuted Black man endures, whether earned or not, as a form of oppression. But for Black women, punishment, even when not earned, is not only tolerated, it’s expected. When we take a granular look at the numbers (i.e., the # of Black women parenting Black boys alone, etc.), it's infuriating, and you are so correct, we cannot rely on the excuse that such is an offshoot of slavery because its an excuse, not a damn reason.
There are pockets of us who have emancipated, and you said it in this piece, we get labeled, ostracized, bullies, etc., because the community is conditioned and colonized into believing that Black women are not entitled to emotion, opinion, or critical thinking. It’s beyond harmful, it’s destructive.
first we have to get the community to embrace the ideal that misogynoir is the final phase of the grand destructive scheme. Ingrained contempt, dislike and prejudice against Black women within the community is beyond epidemic proportions, and it’s didn’t begin post-Civil Right Movement. We have to stop pretending as if we are not perpetuating the BS too
I feel some women who have experienced abuse and still continue to hold those men on a pedestal. Haven’t taken the time to wrap their heads around the idea that the only reason why they do this is because it’s drilled into their head that they are nothing without men and men are the only ones who validate their existence.
Also the coddling of abusers is sickening. And really they will never change because change means admitting they are wrong. Admitting they are wrong makes their shame too big to handle. Thats why Majors is going on an apology tour.
Thank you so much for publishing this! It's so timely and necessary.
I really empathize with you through people telling you, "That's still your dad" and your mom encouraging you to have a relationship with him even though he abused her AND you.
Unfortunately, the aunties are obsessed with "tearing down Black men" who deserve it! There are so many Black actors that are not abusers! Keke, I'm disappointed, but not more than I'm disappointed in Hollyweird as a whole.
Brilliant writing, Lachelle!
It’s funny how we joke that Keke has the spirit of an auntie because she is absolutely the kind of aunties I’m talking about.
This feels like reading a story about my mother, down to the Tupac, Mary J. Blige, and constantly rewatching "What's Love Got To Do With It." This has very much so been a triggering few years for survivors when it comes to media representation of abuse and absolution instead of healing restorative justice. Thanks for sharing!
We are really more connected than we realize!
Thank you for putting into words the cognitive dissonance that occurs every time we're forced to view these Abuser Redemption Arcs. And the weaponization of our communities' forgiveness and honestly, hesitancy to unclench from the Talented Tenth methodology. Our victims deserve much more than regurgitated platitudes and guilt-ridden admonishments which are often at the expense of their own arrested development. Thank you for sharing💜
Well said 👏🏾
"Why, then, do we believe it’s fair for a person who abused someone to only temporarily live with the consequences of their actions while the people who have been traumatized by them are living with the effects of it forever?"
Because, like many societies around the world, ours was built by and for the benefit of the abusers themselves, who have constructed an elaborate cultural framework to absolve the abusers of responsibility.
I wrote about this (drawing on my experience as a clinical psychologist) a few years ago:
"In all its forms, abuse is a mechanism of dominance, directed at someone deemed vulnerable, and repeated to maintain the vulnerability, and through that, the submission of the abused to the abuser...
Among the most common, if confusing and heartbreaking, aspects of the dynamics of abuse, is the culture of silence that surrounds it (within families, communities, congregations, institutions)...
Another perplexing phenomenon we observe is of the abused defending the abuser, or alternatively, those around the abuser jumping to their defense, at the expense of those being abused...
It’s not a new observation to say that American culture, American society, doesn’t simply tolerate violence, it celebrates it...
When it comes to interpersonal violence, the narratives of justification beget the perpetuation of violence...
The generalized statement ‘American culture’, when referring to the culture of violence, diffuses and obscures the reality that it is a contingent of subcultures that embraces interpersonal violence as a virtue...
These subcultures, not coincidentally, are the same ones that minimize the severity of domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, hate crimes against LGBTQ individuals, or the terrorizing of African-Americans by law enforcement— the subcultures that are contained with the rubric of political conservatism..."
from:
'Defending abusers, rather than the abused, and the perpetuation of violence in our society.' (Jan. 25, 2021)
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2021/1/25/2011708/-Defending-abusers-rather-than-the-abused-and-the-perpetuation-of-violence-in-our-society
Thank you so much for sharing this! As a clinical psychologist, you’re much more qualified to speak on some of these patterns. I think colonization and patriarchy as a whole have perpetuated some of these behaviors. I have noticed these same patterns in patriarchal and/or colonized cultures across the world. It is definitely not an American-specific thing, but of course, I can only speak on my own experience within my culture. Appreciate you reading and thoughtfully engaging, Ian.
Your clarity of thought and understanding of the construction of abuse and those around the abuser is vitally important. It’s so freaking frustrating seeing men get a free pass enabled by sycophants around them.
Your voice is powerful and true. The exploration of systemic racism underlying these behaviors shines a light into their origins- a necessary component toward full understanding of the problem.
You and other women of color are some of the strongest badasses on Substack. I learn from you and admire you.
Thank you for reading, Karin!
In my personal life, I have come up against people who decided to remain neutral when I named my abuser. They were not willing to protect me or others who might be targets. Your story made me think about all the ways victims are failed by the people around them. It made me think about how justified I am to feel disappointed in them. It also made me think about something I’ve been grappling with when it comes to entertainment. I’ve willingly chosen to avoid listening to music by artists who were revealed to be abusers. Yet, when I think about shows that impacted me as a young viewer, only later to learn that the creator of the show was an abuser and predatory. I don’t watch the show or seek it out, but I still have strong associations with the impact of the show on my worldview. I’ve written about the show in my writing applications and wondered if it was wrong to do so. What I think I would do differently, is address the impact of the show AND demand that access should be given to people who aren’t rumored to be harmful. Moreover, to state my commitment to working with others who are not harmful. Like you write, there are plenty of talented people who aren’t harmful that could and should be given opportunities. There is a long-standing history of protecting people simply because they are already successful. What does it say about our society if we’re always giving free passes to abusers and lack accountability? We already have the answer.
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you reading!
I love your inclusion of transformative justice because so often in conversations about gender violence, carceral feminism rears its ugly head. The nuance you use when talking about Keke Palmer's episode with Majors was also refreshing.
We really need more education around transformative justice.
This is so on point. We need accountability in our community. That’s the only way healing can happen.
So glad to read your in depth thinking about Majors, and cycles of abuse in intimate and familial relationships. I’d been cringing at headlines and references to the “redemption tour” and wondering what actual impact it could have towards healing for any of us, those involved, fans, or silent onlookers.
This is absolutely a sharp, on-point essay. You know you're sitting in front of a fierce piece of writing when you start to copy a passage to share but then you just keep reading and finding more and more and more and more of them. Thank you for this, Lachelle.
Oh I love to hear that! This was definitely not an easy piece to write.
It's not easy, but so necessary.
And, you know, I'm here in New York City, watching the nightmare I predicted--former governor Andrew Cuomo coming out of his shame hidey-hole to loom over the race for our mayor because he has the superior name recognition and fundraising chops. Horrifying.
That man really said “I’m not a pervert, I’m Italian” and was dead serious. Zero accountability.
Like Adams, he's perfect for the Trump Crime Syndicate.
Yep plus him being a nepotism politician gives him even more of an advantage. I hate it. We could’ve had Maya Wiley!
Yeah, but we can't have nice things.
Thank you for this think post (not think piece). And, with regard to this: All of this breeds cultural thought patterns that deem any punishment the oft-persecuted Black man endures, whether earned or not, as a form of oppression. But for Black women, punishment, even when not earned, is not only tolerated, it’s expected. When we take a granular look at the numbers (i.e., the # of Black women parenting Black boys alone, etc.), it's infuriating, and you are so correct, we cannot rely on the excuse that such is an offshoot of slavery because its an excuse, not a damn reason.
It really is, we need to emancipate ourselves from choosing to hold onto that conditioning, it’s harming all of us.
There are pockets of us who have emancipated, and you said it in this piece, we get labeled, ostracized, bullies, etc., because the community is conditioned and colonized into believing that Black women are not entitled to emotion, opinion, or critical thinking. It’s beyond harmful, it’s destructive.
YES!!!
So destructive and also a disservice because a lot of Black women possess wisdom that really allows us to heal when we’re open to receiving it.
first we have to get the community to embrace the ideal that misogynoir is the final phase of the grand destructive scheme. Ingrained contempt, dislike and prejudice against Black women within the community is beyond epidemic proportions, and it’s didn’t begin post-Civil Right Movement. We have to stop pretending as if we are not perpetuating the BS too
I feel some women who have experienced abuse and still continue to hold those men on a pedestal. Haven’t taken the time to wrap their heads around the idea that the only reason why they do this is because it’s drilled into their head that they are nothing without men and men are the only ones who validate their existence.
Also the coddling of abusers is sickening. And really they will never change because change means admitting they are wrong. Admitting they are wrong makes their shame too big to handle. Thats why Majors is going on an apology tour.
Absolutely. A lot of them can’t bear the weight of really looking in the mirror.